ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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