Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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