Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
