Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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