mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
