Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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