can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
