my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
