Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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