I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
