did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
