On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
