Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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