my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
