Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
