As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
