I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
