Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
