Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
