I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
this just has baby written all over it
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
