...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
