my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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