forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
