I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
