please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
