woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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