Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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