you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
