I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
All the doctor said was why
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
