Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I need a beard to bite.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
