Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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