Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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