Got a toothbrush?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
