The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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