I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
