Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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