tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
