I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
