life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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