I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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