Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
