just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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