I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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