Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
