Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
