In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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