i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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