i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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