Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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