it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
