you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
