I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
